Last week, I mentioned that the vast, massive conspiracy theories about the Catholic Church amuse me. I discussed some specific issues and theories, but I find them all funny, almost no matter the details. Why?
Dear God in Heaven, where do I start?
The theories are so ludicrous, I hardly know where to begin.
One running theme of most of the conspiracy theories is that there is a “conspiracy of silence” running around within the Vatican, the hierarchy, an order, pick one or all. This pops up in almost any fiction where a Catholic priest appears.
Given the news of the last decade, anyone should see an immediate problem. Not only does the Church of Rome write everything down, they never throw anything out. This is a bureaucracy that has held onto the divorce petition from Henry VIII of England, written in the early 16th century. We've held onto it for nearly five hundred years, and we haven't thrown it out yet.
If there were a conspiracy in the church, there will likely be paperwork to document it, and they'd hold onto it with their dying breath. Bad habit for a conspiracy.
But, the way I look at it, the Vatican is essentially the world's biggest marble office building, complete with Dilberts and the occasional pointy-haired boss … or pointy-hatted boss.
In the current day and age, any bureaucracy can keep a secret for a few years. But two thousand? Really?
My major problem with that idea isn't so much a matter of my religious background (Catholic), my educational background (history and Philosophy), or anything of the sort. Bureaucracies tend to leak like a sieve. Even the army and law enforcement.
The FBI spawned Deepthroat—a loser who got passed over for promotion.
The Pentagon—Pentagon papers, anyone?
Most intelligence agencies have politicians in the mix somewhere, so that'll screw over practically anyone …
You can have whistle blowers in practically any organization...
The Catholic Church is also a bureaucracy. One disgruntled employee is all you need. End of secret.
Last week, I mentioned that one organization in the Church people like to pick on is the Society of Jesus, a.k.a., the Jesuits.
The Jesuits started as a missionary order, and tended to go out to new worlds, seek out new civilizations, boldly go where no man had gone before … and sometimes get eaten by the locals. Now a teaching order, they've spawned more stupidity than orthodoxy in the Church. If you look up Liberation Theology, Jesuits had a hand in spawning that steaming pile of theological gruel--a gruel that has been banned by every Pope since its inception.
The other order that conspiracy theorists like to shoot at is the Opus Dei … Where do I start? According to reporter John A. Allen, all you need to do to get the Opus Dei to open up is buy them a few rounds. Then the trouble becomes trying to shut them up.
And the biggest problem with using them in a conspiracy: Opus Dei is primarily a lay organization. Of it's nearly 90,000 members, only 2% are priests. I'm sorry, a Catholic organization of civilians are going to be privy to ancient secrets and conspiracies? There is a disconnect here.
Also, I have another problem, one that has great big flashing red lights. All of these big secrets, threats to the Catholic Church, maybe even all of Christendom, are being eliminated. Lives are snuffed out, voices silenced.
Depending on who you ask, Catholics killed President Lincoln and JFK, and we're pulling the strings behind President Obama.
With the tinfoil helmet brigade, the Vatican is so scary, covers up so much, silences so many, controls so much of the planet even in THIS day and age. Then we have to have muscle men. We must have kneebreakers This must mean that the Pope has his own personal assassination squad. People to kill at the nod of his pointy hat … wait.
How would I do it? Simple: the Catholic Church has a screening process to weed out psychos, pederasts, etc. That's why the majority of bad priests were ordained before the new screening process was installed (I say "new screening process", but it came out in the early 90s). If I wanted to create actual Vatican Ninjas, I would forward all of the "psycho" pile to a special division, where they can weed out the "special" ones, ones that can be sent to training to Kill For the Lord! Muahahahaha!
|And this is my rendering of a Vatican Ninja. |
This is why I'm grateful to Matt.