Monday, October 29, 2012

Who would Captain America vote for? An election special

With Halloween only days away, and my city being screwed up by a hurricane (cue Scorpions song here), I decided to take a more original approach to looking at the upcoming elections.

A while ago, someone decided to take a look at the politics of Captain America, something I thoroughly made fun of him for, though the original author at found my article, and declared he was completely tongue in cheek. Honest he was.

In the spirit of going completely and utterly over the top, I figure I would take it one step further.  However, I'm going to tell you right now that this is a joke from minute one to minute last.

Batman, aka Bruce Wayne 
Click to read.

Bruce Wayne has approximately more money than God, deals in advanced technological research, and while he has been known to contribute to the occasional ecological issues, he's also been known to draw the line at basic, reasonable limits (he won't, say, be in favor of sacrificing lives to save an endangered squirrel or something similarly ridiculous).

Also, can you imagine Batman dealing with an Occupy Gotham movement?

There would be pain, there would be fear, and then, they would run screaming for their mommies.

VOTE GOES TO: I think we've got a Romney voter here

Oliver Queen, aka Green Arrow (DC Universe). 

Why, yes.
I do think I'm Robin Hood
For those of you who don't know Green Arrow from the comic books (not the tv show Arrow).... personally, he's sort of like the anti-Batman. Or, as Novel Ninja Matthew Bowman put it, the comic book Green Arrow was like Batman if he had been bitten by a radioactive Robin Hood.

While also from a rich, industrial family, Oliver Queen is Left-Wing. I don't mean Democrat, I mean Left-wing, pseudo-socialist.  Half his conversations with the Justice League involve him screaming "You're all a bunch of fascists!"  I'm not even certain he knows how serious he is about such things.

In any event, it's kinda clear that he'll vote for the most Left-wing politician there is. The only politician like that who will reliably show up on the national stage, including Queen's fictional Starling City, would probably be Barack Obama.

However, since Ollie had been Mayor of Starling City once, he'd probably put himself on the ballot, and promptly vote for himself.

VOTE GOES TO: Either Obama, himself, or the farthest Left-wing candidate available.

Captain America (Steve Rodgers)

Because I'm Captain America, damnit.
Pro-Army, pro-gun, pro-Apple pie, Captain America has spent his entire existence dealing with foreign policy issues.  On social issues, Steve would be very 1940s -- abortion was a dangerous, illegal procedure, and any pills like birth control or contraceptives were also illegal, so that entire issue is a nonstarter.

Economically, his attitude would probably be very much on the order of, "People get their own jobs, right? Well, a little hard work, everything will be fine." Between those two, I think we've got a one-issue voter.   Given the rate of speed the Benghazi disaster is shaping up, I can't imagine him voting for anyone other than Mitt Romney.


Iron Man (Tony Stark)

This is a tough one. Despite the movies, billionaire industrialist Tony Stark mostly resides in New York City, which makes him a definite shoe-in for a Democratic voter, no matter who the candidate is.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of Wall Street tycoons are supporters to the Democratic party -- John Corzine, Robert Rubin (Goldman Sachs), Citibank, and George Soros (Democrat and Obama's biggest supporter), Brookfield Asset Management, Lehman Brothers (who now work for the Obama Administration).

On the other hand, Tony Stark is a pro-weapon kind of fellow -- let's face it, he's gone a few steps beyond the second amendment, and his father made the nuclear bomb -- and let's look at most of Tony Stark's villains. He fights Soviet Russians, Communist-Chinese, as well as other competitors. In the comic books, Stark was pretty much supposed to be pro-American, right-wing, supports America's wars sort of fellow.

And he made a killing on all those predator drones....

VOTE GOES TO: Either Stark is a Romney voter, or he'll be spending election day at home, drunk.

Superman, aka Clark Kent

Clark Kent is a big city reporter, and over 80% of journalists are Democrat supporters, so it should go Obama.  Kent has also recently given up a job with the Daily Planet because it was bought but someone who kinda resembles Rupert Murdoch -- evil big business, after all.  So, that would be left-leaning.

On the other hand, Clark Kent was raised in Kansas by a rural farming family. So there's a possibility for Romney.

However, as Superman, he once rescinded his American citizenship for five minutes.

VOTE GOES TO: Romney and Obama, depending on who's writing Superman at the time.

Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk 

Dr. Bruce Banner, fugitive from practically everybody on the planet, he likes the back end of nowhere, and staying as far from military and local authorities as humanly possible.

Enter Obama, who seems to want to cut the military budget and the US involvement in foreign affairs.  And he has anger management issues.


Nick Fury

Another World War II vet, Nick Fury is a spymaster, will defend the planet against enemies foreign and domestic, which will make him both socially conservative and pro-military.

Then again, he'll want someone he can manipulate.  Or would he want someone who agrees with him already?

VOTE GOES TO: Whoever Fury has rigged the election for, so .... Romney? Maybe?

Daredevil, aka Matthew Murdock

A New York trial lawyer, Daredevil is a natural Obama voter. The ABA backs democrats automatically. Mathew Murdock is also all about community. I could see him as a supporter of Occupy Wall Street, if his super sense of smell didn't cripple him every time he found a client who never showered.

On the other hand, Matt Murdock has always been Catholic.  He's very Catholic .....

Then again, he's a bit of a man-whore in the Marvel Universe. He'd be interested in contraceptives, if only to keep potential child support payments to a minimum.



Green Lantern / Hal Jordan.

This isn't really a question, now is it?

Hal Jordan is a military pilot who flies fighter planes.

He's going to be voting his paycheck.


No, I didn't like the Ryan Reynolds movie either.


Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man

As a New Yorker, he would vote Obama  No, I'm not being fancy here. There are few other details to effect Peter Parker's vote. Say whatever you like about him, but he is a New Yorker, first and foremost.

However, it wouldn't matter, because he would approach the polls, hear sirens, and webswing away to the rescue, and remain busy until the polls closed.  He would then walk home in a slump because he couldn't do what he wanted to.

He would then retire from being Spider-man for five minutes, or five issues, whichever came first.

Then he makes a deal with Mephisto so that the last few decades of voting never happened the way everyone remembers.

The Fantastic Four

A dysfunctional family at the best of times, this will not be a one voter household.

The Invisible Woman, aka Susan Storm -- a mother of two children who is half the brains of a major intergalactic company. Her version of birth control is the latest disaster, apocalyptic plan of Doctor Doom. Pro-big business, pro-children... I'm seeing a Romney voter here.

The Human Torch, aka Johnny Storm -- womanizing, carousing type who will probably vote for whoever seems like the coolest candidate.  Barack Obama has a vote from him for sure.

Ben Grimm, aka The Thing -- Grimm, an Orthodox Jew, would probably vote with the rest of the Orthodox population, which seems to be going Romney.

Mr. Fantastic, aka Reed Richards -- a man whose head is so far enmeshed in The Big Picture that he can barely remember what day of the week it is. His biggest adversary is a foreign dictator who dabbles in demonology.  So, he might vote Romney, if he remembers what month it is.

He's a bit of a nonstarter.

Born Wade Wilson (maybe), Deadpool is a mercenary, so he's a good capitalist, in theory, but he's not exactly the type to have an IRA or a stock portfolio. The "Merc With a Mouth," Deadpool is officially insane. Not a little touched, not just overly daring, he is completely unstable -- he's got ADD, a little schizophrenia, serious memory problems, and an on-again-off-again relationship with Marvel's Lady Death.

VOTE GOES TO: Romney, then Obama, then Romney, then ... oh look, tacos!

I think that's quite enough for now, don't you?

Be well all.

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