Monday, July 21, 2014

Simply Inspirational

Apparently, I'm inspirational.... No, seriously. I've been nominated for one of the most inspirational blogs on the net.

Normally, I'd say "Wow, that's awesome," but I'm still at the point in my life where I find it strange when people actually read anything I have to say.

Anyway, it's time for an announcement.... okay, technically, I've already announced it, so it's more of a reminder... I'm going to be in Chicago next week, for the Catholic Writer's Guild conference.

Yes, I know that Chicago is a haven for lawless violence and mass murder, and 20 people murdered each day, but I won't be in that part of the city. I have no intention of being near a gun....

Okay, I will be visiting a shooting range on the way back. I've been told that my gun fu can be better.

Enjoy the next two weeks. I'll see you all in August, when I return.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Ten Rules I want Writers to follow

I was recently asked what rules, as I reader, I wish writers would follow. I came up with a few.

Rule #1: Don't preach at me. Tell the damn story... I think this is self explanatory.

Rule #2: Don't make up your own history, claim that you've done your research, and then NOT share your research. You are not Dan Brown, I don't tolerate it FROM Dan Brown, and I will waterboard the next schmuck who does that. Anyone want to test that threat? I'm a freaking historian. I know when you're lying you morons!!!!!

Rule #3: If you have an action sequence, HAVE an action sequence. I don't need blow-by-blow, but if your concept of a "fight" is "they fell to the roof and struggled with each other until they fell off," I will hurt you. Jack Higgins did that, and after that, I knew Sean Dillion series was doomed. I was writing like that when I was 16.

Rule #4: If you have a chapter, it has to be more than a paragraph long. If you only have snippets from a mad serial killer, we might forgive you if it's a handful of chapters. If it's your entire novel, you should be beaten to death with the hard copy.... I'm looking at you, James Patterson.

Rule #5: Vampires only sparkle IF THEY'RE ON FIRE.

Rule #6: Fantasy authors, please, for the love of God, if you're going to have a system of magic set in a modern environment, please explain where magic comes from. [Ahem: Dear Madam Rowling, where do wizards get their powers FROM? Why do they actually need wands? Why can some spells not require any wands?  A paragraph over your 7 novels would have been fine to explain any of this]

Rule #7: Stop giving me stupid villains. Just stop. Please.
Rule #7b: Stop giving me insipid heroes. Just ... don't.
Rule #7c: In fact, Stephen King, just stop writing entirely.

Rule #8: While we're at it, SOMEONE HAVE AN ORIGINAL IDEA. I don't care if you've been a bestseller for 20 years, stop pumping out books like they're an obligation. I'm looking at you King ... Higgins ... Patterson ... Pat Cornwell ... Nora Roberts does consistently better and original ideas than you twits, and she's a ROMANCE NOVELIST.  Gah.

Rule #9: Stop with the utterly dark nonsense. I'm tired of the same dystopian universes, the same miserable outlooks on humanity, and the same anti-heroes. Snake Plisskin only works once. Twice if you make him into a Metal Gear character. After that I'M BORED. You can give me an anti-hero if he's well-developed, likable, smart. You can stop giving me the same depressing, dark, amoral character who actually HAS no character development.  Even the book Codename: Winterborn, which has been compared to Escape from New York, went out of its way to describe how society works, how people live, how there's an economy. I never want to see another Escape from New York or Terminator universe unless they're in the Escape from New York or the Terminator universe.

Rule #10: Stop, stop STOP making professional soldiers into sociopathic Redshirt canon fodder while the plucky hero WITH ZERO COMBAT EXPERIENCE gets out alive.  Thank you

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Review: The Watson Chronicles.

For those of you who are suffering from a deficit of Sherlock, wondering why Robert Downy Jr. hasn't made another Sherlock Holmes film already, and the okay-Elementary isn't really cutting it, have we got something for you.

A while back, Ann Margaret Lewis wrote Murder in the Vatican: The Church Mysteries of Sherlock Holmes, in which she had the venerable detective come face to face with Pope Leo XIII, with a guest cleric named Father Brown. Holmes solved mysteries that Arthur Conan Doyle only hinted at in his books -- Sherlock fans will recognize the title of the short story "The Vatican Cameos."

And now, Madam Lewis tackles the next great task in filling the Sherlockian mysteries -- namely, giving Dr. Watson a personal life.

The premise: this book takes place in the latter years of Sherlock Holmes' career.  He is about to move to Sussex and raise bees (a retirement he had been threatening for years), and Watson decides to go back into private practice (since he had given up his last practice to live off of his stories published in The Strand). Watson has a nervous landlord, a sickly partner, and a lovely upstairs neighbor. But, as with Jessica Fletcher, the bodies are soon hitting the floor, and Watson is drawn into international intrigue and murder, and requires the aid of not one but two Holmes brothers.

And that's just the first part of The Watson Chronicles: A Sherlock Holmes Novel in Stories.  True, it's broken down into short story format, but it's a novel, plain and simple, written in such a fashion as to mirror the writing style and structure as Arthur Conan Doyle.  And if you don't believe that she writes in his style, I tell you that even the paragraph structure reads like Arthur Conan Doyle.

A good chunk of this book is a romance. No, not written porn, in the modern sense.  There are some elements of romantic comedy, mixed with some solid drama (real drama, not forced conflict for sake of drawing it out). We have a good, strong female romantic lead in the upstairs neighbor, Lucyna Modjeska -- Lucy, for short (and if you quibble with me because she doesn't throw a single punch or kick in the book, I will answer that it takes more strength to deal with both Holmes brothers than could be managed by Xena: Warrior Princess). Lucy is a bit of a saint, with all the flaws that implies.  And if you don't think a saint can be flawed, read some of the lives of the saints sometimes; there is a reason the church says that saints are to be admired, not necessarily imitated. It becomes an interesting time having a Polish-American Catholic working with two British Anglicans. She is a great addition to this established cast of characters, and works well with all the moving parts involved.

Great line: "One way to impress a Catholic girl is to tell her that you met the pope."

One of the fun parts of this book -- and there are so many, it's hard to count -- is the way Lewis has the stories interact with "reality." Basically, Watson's a writer, and writers get feedback, whether they like it or not.  There are some stories that are published years apart, and why is that? How does Watson deal with his own fans? That sort of thing. Lewis also addresses the little feature of how it was ten years between Holmes' death and resurrection in print, but only 3 years in the Holmes universe, leading to lines like "I'm so glad to know you're not dead."

And Mycroft Holmes gets his own murder mystery to solve. It's fun.  Then again, Mycroft and Sherlock actually act like brothers, at one point one-upping each other.  (Great line #2: "Holmes, you do not like women. Well, I don't like people.")   And then there's the story of his time in Montenegro, which makes for an interesting nod to another overweight genius in detective fiction.

I'm trying to put into words just how much I like this book, and it's hard. It truly is.  Especially since I don't want to come off as a fanboy.  This book is so good, I'm almost sad that there is no sequel already planned and penned; though the ending makes for such a good conclusion to Lewis' Sherlock works, as well as the entire Holmes canon. I'm not exaggerating.  With with Murder in the Vatican, I want to go back and reread all of these stories in order with the original Arthur Conan Doyle works, but I'm afraid that he will come out the worst for it.  But if I do, The Watson Chronicles will be the last thing I read, just so I can end it all on a high note.

Okay, let's skip to the interesting part. Buy this book.  Buy this book now.  If you didn't buy Murder in the Vatican, what are you waiting for? Buy that too.  While you're at it, buy a dozen other copies for your friends and family.

You want more reasons?  Because Ann Lewis has taken every single hole left by Arthur Conan Doyle and filled it.  Did you know that Watson had three wives because Doyle couldn't keep track of the names or who he had killed? Ann Lewis filled all of that in. Did you know that ACD couldn't remember if Watson had been shot in the leg or the shoulder? Lewis addresses that too.

You're going to read this book for every little character touch between Holmes, Watson, Lucy and Mycroft -- Mycroft, who is a major player in this book that he never was in actual Sherlock canon, and he has some of the best lines in this book, even when he's not recreating natural law. You're going to read this book for Dr. Watson's wedding being presided over by the "inscrutable" Father Brown, and to see almost every single case Sherlock Holmes has ever solved come back to him in one of the most tightly written, canon-filled and canon-filling books put on paper.

And you're going to read this book because it is one of the best, most touching, hilarious, heart warming, tear-jerking Sherlock Holmes novels ever written.

Stop reading this review, click on the link, and start reading. Go. Now. Don't just stare at the page, go.

Friday, July 4, 2014