Monday, April 27, 2015

Sad Puppies Bite Back

This puppy is ready for WAR
This is one of those fever dream moments. You know, that bit where you don't know where the ideas came from, or what you were thinking, or even why it happened in your head at all? It's sort of like how I wrote It Was Only on Stun! (if that doesn't explain the book, nothing does).

In his books, Love in the Ruins, Walker Percy wrote that anyone not on the left tended to adopt insults as a battle cry.  I think he was referring to something Barry Goldwater did.

Anyway, that tradition really has continued, with politicians adopting nicknames that is basically a reductio ad absurdum of every insult ever thrown at them.

That's why, if you look down the Sad Puppy backers, you have "Sarah Hoyt, Evil Yet Beautiful Space Princess" (Yes, as a proper name), Larry Correia has adopted the moniker as the International Lord of Hate.  Brad Torgersen .... anyway, we'll get there in a moment.

To be honest, I have no idea how many were self-named, and how many just sort of ... happened (and how many originated with John C. Wright having fun with it all).  I'm not that close with them. I'm "friends" with Brad and Larry on Facebook, and we all know what that's worth.  Sarah Hoyt's nickname is especially hilarious since she's about as Evil as, well, a puppy. A real puppy, not a sad puppy... oh screw you, you know what I mean.  She's downright pleasant and nice, and will even talk to losers like me.  I also know Cedar Sanderson ... though I don't know if we're friends friends, or acquaintance-friends. Sarah and Cedar talk to me. So you now know the extent of our relationship.

Anyway, back in January, I tripped over a funny piece by Vox Day -- presumably before Vox declared "Burn this bitch down!" about the Hugos -- which basically boiled down to "The monthly staff meeting of the Evil League of Evil" (in the Lair of the Puppies).

For some reason, ever since I heard about the death threats on the Puppies, and I wondered when Larry Correia or Brad would be SWATted, all I could think of was, well, what would happen?

For those people who are not familiar with the concept of SWATting, it's the practice where someone calls 911, insisting that the target has a gun, is violent and actively threatening to shoot people, in the hopes that the SWAT team knocks down someone's door and possibly gets them killed. Fun, huh? This has been a tactic that's come up in the last year. I was going to call this SWATing Sad Puppies, but I can't see that title going over well.

But just imagine....

Larry Correia, International Lord of Hate

From his personal collection.
[Larry Correia, International Lord of Hate, lies asleep on his bed made of skulls and stuffed with the hair of virgins, blanketed with tanned unicorn hide, is awakened by the phone ringing] WHO DARES AWAKE THE GREAT INTERNATIONAL LORD OF HATE!!!!

[Phone] Hey, Larry, it's Sgt. Murphy, down at the station?

[LC rises from the mattress. Grabs the water pitcher filled with the tears of puppies, and pours himself a drink]  Hey, Murph. What's up?

[Murphy]  Well, you see, we had this call come into 911.  Caller said you were going to shoot somebody. Do you have John Scalzi over?

[LC] Nah. I was asleep. Haven't threatened anybody in ... hours, really. And that was with my death stare.

[Murphy] The SWAT team was told, and everybody knew your address, so we figured I should just call. Can I come in? I'm outside.

[LC sighs] Sure, why not?

[LC arises, steps on his carpet of skinned puppies, kicks the bazooka back under the bed, and strides down the hall, the house shaking with every step.  He passes the wall of machine guns, hangs a right down the stairs, where the hunting rifles line the walls.  He touches the handguns by the door like a mezuzah, then opens the door.]

[Murphy] I really appreciate it, Larry.

[LC] Not a problem. I understand. Coming down to the range next weekend to improve your shooting?

[Murphy takes a few steps in, looks around, heads out] Yup.  Thanks again, Larry. See you Friday at the BBQ

[LC] Deal.

The sad part is, aside from the description of Larry's house and the Mezuzah, I could see that conversation happening almost exactly like this.... I had considered adding an aside to a tied-up John Scalzi in the windowseat, but no one would get the reference to Arsenic and Old Lace. And some idiot would take it seriously and report it as a death threat.

By "idiot" I mean Scalzi.


I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?


  1. I suspect more than you think would have gotten the Arsenic and Old Lace reference. Oh, and I have met Larry. I have no idea why people think he could possibly be the International Lord of Hate. He's a pussycat. (OK, he's a 6'5", 300+ lb pussycat who can palm a basketball... but he's still a nice guy to sit down and have dinner with. Sorry I outed you, Larry!)

    1. You think? Good. I know so few people who understand A&OL.

      And yeah Larry just seems like a great big teddy bear.

    2. AaOL is excelent reminds me to introduce my youngest to it.

    3. More like a Sehlat than a teddy bear, actually.

  2. You'd have to go look it up to be sure but...

    I think that Larry actually contacted his local police force and gave them a heads up. I do believe that I read him saying that. I didn't think he sounded like he thought it *likely*, just that even as a distant possibility it made sense to say something.

    1. It would not surprise me in the least, Synova, it really wouldn't.

  3. Perfect. Laughed so hard I woke up the husband. Not an ILoH, Cuddly Skeletor or Beautiful Princes...but love him anyway.

  4. Replies
    1. ... I discovered that my comments section needs a like button for moments like this.

  5. SWATting the ILoH would include Larry saying, "You're doing it wrong. Lemme show you the right way to breach a door."

  6. My giggles woke my husband. I have mischievous ideas now.

  7. Hey Mr. Finn,

    I loved the reads, Peter over BRM linked this over.....I have saved your blog....I laughed my A$$ off and disturbed the spousal unit reading her facebook on her phone.

  8. If you're going to put Scalzi in the windowseat, you'll need to move Mr. Spinalzo.

  9. "In his books, Love in the Ruins, Walker Percy wrote that anyone not on the left tended to adopt insults as a battle cry."

    Sadly that's not the case. More accurate would be to say that Anyone tends to adopt insults as a battle cry. Take the annoying atheists of 'Pharyngula' who have all adopted 'evil babyeating atheists' and similar insults as their battle cry, or the individuals there who's nicknames tend to be insults that people have thrown at them, and there's also the "Slymepit" - way from "Pharyngula", they're not exclusively on the left, and they don't march in moronic SJW lockstep like the Pharyngulite morons, but they are mostly on the left, and their very name comes from an insult which they've adopted as their name and their battlecry.
    Otherwise, stellar article. Very funny.


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