Friday, May 1, 2015

Puppies Come to WorldCon

Update: Despite the ending notes, this is now a whole series. [Click tab above for more]

Sad Puppies Bite Back (Part 3)

The "Sad Puppies" parody world I have created in my head is slowly taking over my brain, so bear with me.

If you haven't read the last two parody blogs, you might be new here.  This started with a thought: what if Sad Puppy authors were SWATted (part 1)? Then it sort of drifted from the "ringleaders" in part one (Correia, Torgersen, Hoyt) to "mere" supporters in part two (Kratman, Ringo, Weber).

While I was chatting briefly with Tom Knighton, mentioning that the tank really was all him, I was struck with a thought: What would happen if the Puppies showed up at World Con, where the Hugos are handed out?  And not the real ones, the ones I've created here.

Stop me before I post again!

... But until that point, more puppies.  I just hope this isn't too much inside baseball, like with It Was Only On Stun!

Though for those people who know what I'm talking about, it may not be ENOUGH inside baseball.

If you're surprised that this has come to a point ... you're not the only one.

Lehman asked for this. Literally. Never say I am not obliging.

[Lone SWAT guy comes to submarine held in drydock (literally. On stilts, on dry land). SWAT guy knocks on the hull.  From the conn tower pops The Morrigan, William Lehman, looking more like a pirate than Johnny Depp ever will, parrot on one shoulder, cutlass in hand]  Avast! Who goes there?

[SWAT guy] Hey, Will, it's James. How're you doing?

[WL] Ahoy matey! What can I do for ye?

["James"] 911 called us, they got a report of you threatening someone with a gun?

[WL] Nonsense! All me muskets are locked up tight.

[James nods]  That's what we figured.  We knew something was off when they called your place a house. You hosted too many shindigs back when you worked with us on the force. See ya around.

[WL] By the way, matey, what day is it?

[James mentions date]  Avast! I must be off!

No, that's not the end of the story. Wait for it.

James was also going to be a bit player below. But, he also asked for this.

[SWAT team approaches house with no problem at all. They take up positions on either side of the door.  The battering ram is about to take the door when cute little kitten brushes up against SWAT guy's leg.  SWAT guy nudges it away.  Door opens.  SWAT is buried in cats.  Schardt runs out of the house for car, wearing a Wendell's Roughnecks t-shirt.  He stops, notices the SWAT guys buried in felines]  Oh, hey, everybody.  Anyone want a cat? I have too many of them.  Feel free to take a few, I'll do a headcount when I return from Spokane. Ciao!

[Schardt gets in car, and drives to aiport]

Kate Paulk, The Impaler

In my defense, this was Tom Knighton's idea

[In the backwoods of Pennsylvania, a SWAT team weaves in an out through another part of the forest. They come to the door of the house.  Sign on the door says "Gone to WorldCon."  SWAT team turns around.  The "forest" they moved through was an entire front lawn filled with poles with tips sharpened for impaling people.  The tips of all of them are black with what appears to be dried blood. Sign next to them reads: "For SJWs who piss me off."  SWAT team leaves at doubletime.]

Before anyone tells me that Madam Paulk doesn't live in the backwoods, I should noted two things. One, I'm a New Yorker so San Francisco feels like the backwoods. Two, I've been to Pennsylvania, it all feels like backwoods


I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACKin Paperback and Kindle.


  1. Excellent! I LOLed, snort-LOLed and guffawed!

  2. Uh-huh -- and in reality, how many of them will be showing up to Sasquan?

    Yeah, I thought as much.

    I will be there. I'm easy to find -- look for the guy with the beaver in the Dracula cape on his shoulder.

  3. Sorry, can you clarify this? I'm unaware of it

    [Ringo shrugs] I haven't felt like it. Why are we all here? These guys stiffed Jim Baen, so they don't get my vote.

    Thank you. Take care.

  4. "[Ringo shrugs] I haven't felt like it. Why are we all here? These guys stiffed Jim Baen, so they don't get my vote."

    Ringo is on or off when it comes to writing. He does completely nothing for weeks or months... then he'll produce like 3 books in such a short period that publishers literally can't even remotely keep up with him. They used to call it the Ringo Book of the Month Club. because it seemed like he was writing a book a month... but then other times... he just produces nothing at all.

    He's either feeling it or he isn't. Larry C. is the opposite. all steady consistent output... but no where near the rate of Ringo when Ringo is on.

    1. Sorry, I meant the part about Jim Baen.

      Take care. Thanks anyhow

    2. That's in reference to how Jim Baen never got recognized while he was alive, and so now he won't accept one himself because of the crappy treatment Baen got/gets.

    3. Thank you. I was afraid it might be something dramatic

      Take care

  5. Personally this would be way more entertaining with Vox and John Wright involved... and it really doesn't even make sense without them.

    1. I'm tired of hearing the name Vox Day -- anti-Puppies like using him as a stick, pro-Puppies want to either deny or shrug him off, so I figured he was more trouble than he was worth.

      As for Wright, I don't know him that well. I really don't. I've heard the name. I have friends who are fans, but aside from his post on the evil league of evil, nope ... then again, I don't think I could top his. :)

    2. Vox is a brand of wordbooks for middle/high schoolers, here; used to be THE name (until internet). It helps with not taking him seriously.

      Take care.

  6. This had me ROTFLMAO at breakfast. And I can see James doing exactly that which just made it just that much more laugh inducing. Now if you will excuse me I must pry the husband(the aforementioned James) away from the keyboard as I can hear him yet again ranting "Someone is wrong on the internet! "

  7. Funny as hell, well done on all three parts! :-)

  8. Funny as hell, well done on all three parts! :-)

  9. Among the Two Thousand, it's not just Wendell's Roughnecks. At Raven the other weekend, a couple-three of us were sitting around in Barfly Central, costumed as "ourselves" as we'd been red-shirted in various Baen authors' books. It occurred to us that for Worldcon KC next year, it would be fun for lots of people who'd been put in books, to do the same.

  10. I have six words for Mr. Gerrold.
    Martian sand cats, you thieving bastard!


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