Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV
When it was suggested that I be selected for a Hugo for Sad Puppies Bite Back I-IV, I was honored.
Which made me realize that it's my turn to be SWATted.
[The SWAT team comes up to the Kelly green door. The leader counts down on fingers. 3. 2. 1--]
[The door swings open of its own accord. The SWAT guys look at each other, then swarm inside. They are surrounded by stacks of books that head up to the ceiling, looking like hoarders, only with hardcover novels of Larry Correia, Tom Clancy, and Neil Stephenson. One bumps a pile with a hip, consequently burying the entire SWAT team alive in hardcovers.]
[Enter Declan Finn, Undercover Sad Puppy Operative. Finn pokes his head out on the enclosed porch] Oh, come on! You know how long it took me to organize my "to read" pile? I'll never keep track now.
[DF growls and brings out his keychain of death -- which has two knives a tactical baton, assorted weapons, and three keys -- and starts picking his nails with the keyblade] I hope these guys are still alive. I don't feel like mummifying corpses this weekend. I have cats to water board and Tor bloggers to fisk.
[Finn blinks, and picks up a Brad Torgersen novel from the top of the book pile] Oh, hey, I've been looking for that one.
[New SWAT team pulls up to the house. They approach cautiously, ever since the last team was reported missing]
[SWAT Sergeant] Do you hear Irish music?
[SWAT #1] Yes...why are you dancing?
[SWAT 2] It's...compelling...me to dance....Irish!
[SWAT Sergeant] By all that is holy, not Riverdance!
[DF emerges from a pile of books] You idiots again? Gah
[DF adjusts speakers. SWAT team Irish step dances down the street, never to be seen again. DF sighs, moves to mailbox, muttering] I wonder if John C. Wright will loan me some of his Vatican Ninjas. It's not like he gets SWATted like this. He's a living brain in a jar, what are they going to slap the handcuffs on?
[DF opens mailbox. Opens top letter] I'm nominated for a what?
[Finn stalks upstairs, past the mountains of books, and starts writing an acceptance speech for a Hugo Award.]
I would like to thank the people of WorldCon for giving me a Hugo. I like to think that my selection has confirmed the complete uselessness of this award, especially since I wouldn't trust most WorldCon members to sit the right way on a pay toilet.
It's nice to see that the Hugos' long stretches of having no taste whatsoever have finally been ended. Granted, they had to be ended by people who actually have a sense of humor, unlike the mummified walking dead who have been in charge thus far.
After I leave this lovely banquet, I will take this Hugo, drive to the nearest gas station, and hopefully trade it in for something that's actually worthwhile.
Right now, I would like to propose a toast: to the caterers who prepared tonight's food, and to the pigeons who crapped over David Gerrold's car.
I would thank J. Michael Straczynski for inspiring me into a life of writing, but he's not here tonight. He's over in Hollywood, making his work into films and TV shows, while I have yet to be invited to write a porn adaptation of my own work. And neither have you, Mr. Scalzi.
I would also like to thank John Scalzi and David Gerrold for the death threats that your minions have bombarded me with. I'm sure I would have been physically assaulted by now, if said minions were brave enough to leave their parents' basements. As it is, I've already had two SWATting attempts made on me. So, thanks for that.
I would like to thank Arthur Chu for all of the popcorn moments, as he continues to tweet from federal prison for conspiracy to blow up the GamerGate meeting in DC in 2015. I have sent photos of his ladyboy fascination to his fellow inmates. I hope he enjoys the results.
I would like to thank the Sad Puppies, who should be happy today. Larry Correia started it to make a point, Brad Torgersen carried the torch, and Vox Day drove all of you even more insane than you were when we started, because David Gerrold was already going senile, but this proved it.