Monday, June 29, 2015

Sad Puppies Bite Back XI: Puppies with Teeth


This one is a little complicated, and will come with plenty of footnotes.

Also, this contains a few requested / suggested SWATs.

And Jim Butcher.

Also into this enters Peter Grant, of Bayou Renaissance Man, who has even had a few posts on this series.  Basically, he's a guy who even Larry Correia respects.  Grant is also leading a boycott of Tor, especially after Irene Gallo's comments a few weeks ago. He basically wants a real, public, apology from Tor.... while on the other hand, Vox Day wants Irene Gallo fired.

Anyway, once again, this is parody. I'm just making fun of a lot of the stupid. I'm not taking any of this seriously, and neither should you. If you do take this seriously, you need to lighten up. To my knowledge, none of these people mentioned in this series have even been SWATted.

Fun fact, though: I've posted a link or two at a blog that has chronicled these posts. The replies to those links have made it clear to me that some idiots have seen these blogs as death threats.  Yes, you read that right, "Sad Puppies Bite Back" is now a series of death threats, according to some of the Puppy Kickers. Even though the original premise of SWATting is about attempted assassination by SWAT team, and even though the targets are all Sad Puppies, the Puppy Kickers are the abused party. Remember that.

No wonder some people I know want to rename them the Angry Pussies.

Also, when I TWEETED that fun fact, said blog replied that I am a man of "great simplicity of mind." Having read his comments section ... seriously, buddy, don't go there. Heh.

Anyway, time to once again UNLEASH THE PUPPIES.

Peter "Renaissance Man" Grant
Dorothy "Earhart" Grant

Sigh. Seriously. This guy's about as threatening as Brad Torgersen.
And yes, she is a pilot.

Peter Grant

[SWAT team pulls up to a house on the bayou. Peter Grant sits off to one side, painting a sunrise over the ocean. The SWAT team unloads casually.] Peter Grant?

[The painter looks up and smiles broadly] Let me guess, 911 call? Man with a gun?

[SWAT #1 nods] Yes sir. But a few guys at the station know you were a prison chaplain, so we took it with a grain of salt.

[PG] Should have taken it with tequila. Goes better with the salt. As for the call, I wondered when they would get around to me, especially after I started my Tor boycott.

[PG slowly rises from the easel, heads inside with a heavy limp] Follow me inside. Got something I want to show you fellas.

[SWAT #1 follows.  The inside of the house has a ceiling that looks like the Sistine chapel. The walls are made of marble, painted with frescoes. In the front corner of the house is a shrine.  Then there's a gun rack. PG himself is heading towards a computer station next to the guns]

[SWAT #1] Nice weapon collection.

[PG laughs] It's Tennessee. Are we allowed residence without an arsenal? 

[SWAT #1 nods] True

[PG boots up computer] Excuse the mess.

[SWAT #1 looks down.  There are neatly stacked books on the coffee table, ranging from theology and philosophy to mechanical engineering.] Not a problem.

[PG taps the computer a few times]  That's what I thought. See, you're one part of a number of SWATting incidents of authors.  I used to be in IT, and John Ringo has some fans in the NSA who keep reading his books, so he's sicced them on it, too. Give it about two or three more phone calls, and we'll have the guy.

[Sound of an engine comes in, Puddle jumper lands next to the house.  PG smiles] Could be worse, it could be Tom Knighton's tank.

[Dorothy Grant is heard outside, offering lemonade to all the SWAT guys, who politely decline. She enters the front]  Peter? We're entertaining guests?

[PG grins] We've been SWATted.

[She nods] Any idea by whom?

[PG] At a guess? The usual suspect.

[DG]  Well, just bless. His. Heart.

[Both men cringe at the most threatening insult in all of the South.  PG continues]  Apparently, there's another phone call going out from the phone. Give it another two calls, you'll have the sucker.

[SWAT #1 nods] Thank you, sir, we'll keep track, and get back to you if there is anything.

[SWAT leaves. Dorothy hugs. Peter. They watch SWAT drive off, and they wave goodbye]

[DG] Everything went well?

[PG] Yup. And if it didn't, we've got the automated turrets, just in case they came in shooting.

[DG] So, who's the next person being SWATted?

[PG shrugs]  I have no idea.  The burner phone wasn't calling 911 this time. The outgoing call was to another country.

[DG] Really? Why?

[PG] No idea. I don't even know why this guy would call Australia.

Peter Grant is also the name of Led Zeppelin's manager, so researching Mr. Grant was fun.

As for Australia....


I hate to break it to you, but this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?


  1. *applause* I'm laughing too hard to go to sleep!

    "Found it, Sarge. Under his pillow. I need a shower. He's a bed-wetter."


  2. I got so caught up reading and laughing that I almost forgot I had food cooking on the stove.

    Almost. (The goulash is fine and on the next stage of cooking.)

    (Also, pretend Aff/David is in my section of this post. He's the one who wields computer hardware. Kekekeke)

    Dear GOD how many times did Yama wet himself?! *cracks up again*

    Loved it! This was awesome!!!

  3. I just showed this to Rhys because he just got back home.

    He chuckled through it, and then said "At least they were kind enough to die on the tiles. Much easier to clean up!"

  4. And I would soooo volunteer to pick Andrew up, but I'd have to strap him to the outside of the take. I don't need the urine inside my tank. :D

    1. If there's a part XII: Passion of the Puppy Kicker, that'll be how it opens

  5. ahem... turrets, not turrents... Also, the punctuation seems to have gone screwy. Something in the website?

    1. Corrected, thanks. The dangers of writing things after a certain hour is that they look perfect at that hour. :)

      Punctuation is fine here. I'll try other browsers just in case. Then maybe hit blogger with a hammer.

  6. It was my pleasure to meet both the Grants this past weekend at Libertycon.
    Peter is a big cuddly teddy bear of a man. Dorothy is more of a whirling dervish.
    I would never ever in my wildest dreams wish that woman to be the least bit displeased with me.
    But I guess you could say that about all the female sad puppies. You know, those white Mormon males with nice racks you hear so much about.

    1. Yeah. I talked with Shadowdancer a bit before I did this. I can't even make up how dangerous these women are anymore.

  7. Clampsy mad lol

    1. Awww, the poor widdle baby is put out.
      Yeah, he should try finding someone who cares.

  8. Ah, call her Teresa Nielsen, or Teresa Barbara Nielsen. Her name before her so-called marriage. Mr. Nielsen you can decide to name for yourself.

    1. Ah yes, old friends, right? Heh. One day you and I must have a conversation ... so I get her right, you understand. 3:-)


Please, by all means, leave a message below. I welcome any and all comments. However, language that could not make it to network television will result in your comment being deleted. I don';t like saying it, but prior events have shown me that I need to. Thanks.