Thursday, July 9, 2015

Sad Puppies Bite Back XII: Passion of the Puppy Kicker

I was going to post this tomorrow, but damn the torpedoes, and fire everything.

If you're new here, you are going to be so, so lost. Click the Sad Puppy tab above, it'll catch you up.

So those of you who have kept up, if you don't remember who His Tankness, Tom Knighton is, he first appeared in SPBB II, and has become a recurring theme throughout. He was last seen giving a ride to a crazed stalker, only the destination is the local police station.  You've also heard him on the radio show as we talked Sad Puppies.

Seriously, you're going to want to read the last one before reading this. Mr. Marston is a creature that seems to be allergic to anything good or of quality. He hates me, these posts and this blog. He hates Shadowdancer's art. Hates everything puppy related. He and his are the only superior artists anywhere, everyone else belittles him just by their very existence... So I think this punishment is perfect appropriate.

We're not really going to unleash the puppies this time.  However, we will commence ... THE SADDENING.

[In a Darkened cave in the middle of the backwoods, Logan County, West Virginia, degenerate hillbillies, drug-maddened Saponi and Shawnee shaman, blood-drinking devil dogs, together with an inhuman living fungi from Pluto, all make hideous sacrifices and perform acts of unspeakable abomination to adore their a ninety-one foot tall Vox Day idol made of radioactive black marble. Another cloaked figured enters in a grand gestures.  It is Vox Day, the Supreme Dark Lord of Darkness, Manager of the Abyss. There is a virgin tied to the altar that looks a lot like NK Jemisin. Vox is handed the dagger made of obsidian, and heads towards the altar.]

[Phone rings]

[Vox] Oh, damnit.  Sorry guys, got a new text.

[Vox reads text.]  Who?  [VD dials, wanders off to the side]  Yeah? Got the text. Who is this guy? [Pauses, blinks, then scoffs.]  That schmuck?  Didn't we turn him over to the cops already? ... What do you mean they let the little twerp go? Oh come on, does he have to murder someone before they bust him? 

[VD listens for a moment.  His face goes pale with terror] Wait, he did what? To who? Shadowdancer? Is he stupid? Nevermind, I know the answer. Geez, if I knew he had a death wish, I would have obliged him years ago. At least I would have just offed him -- quickly. Maybe fed him to Cthulu when I was bored. It'd be quicker than what she does to him. 

[VD listens, then laughs evilly] They may not extradite him? You think that'd stop her? Anyway, thanks for the update ... Wait, he's blaming me? I forgot he was still alive. I've got Tor and NK Jemisin to torment.

[VD looks over to the altar.  The virgin sacrifice is gone.]  Gotta call you back.  [Click]  Okay! Who lost the sacrifice? Come on, people, how am I supposed to be even a minor dark overlord if you people keep losing the sacrifices? Sigh ... I need better help.


I hate to break it to you, but this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACKin Paperback and Kindle.


  1. There was a race in Star Trek called the Packleds, I'm told. The Borg refuse to assimilate them because it would 'regress them.' Clamps is much the same. He has so few brain cells cyborg-augmentation would have not enough to function with.

    I'd introduce him to the platypus sting first. Then the spiders =)

    1. Ah, the wonders of Australia fauna: Everything can kill you.

  2. "Geez, if I knew I had a death wish, I would have obliged him years ago." should be "Geez, if I knew that he had a death wish, I would have obliged him years ago."

    1. That's the problem with these. I write them best at 3am ... which is also the worst time to be coherent.

      Thanks. Corrected.

  3. Hm... since Buckley is going to be... stuck for a while... have you considered giving him the collected Puppies no annotate?

    Take care,

  4. You have a plentiful lack of wit.


Please, by all means, leave a message below. I welcome any and all comments. However, language that could not make it to network television will result in your comment being deleted. I don';t like saying it, but prior events have shown me that I need to. Thanks.