Monday, August 3, 2015

The Spaying Season (#SadPuppies Bite Back XIV)

Seriously, if you have no idea what this is, you need to click on the Sad Puppies tab above. 

The dog of war.

It's almost over. Just keep repeating, it's almost over.  SPBB will probably have only two more left to it. This one before the Hugo awards, then one more for fallout.  Maybe one or two during, if it gets REALLY nasty. But that would probably require the host to have a full-on nervous breakdown in the middle.  Because the host is David Gerrold.

The most recent incident of SPBB is brought to you by the Guardian.  And the New Yorker.  I've linked to Larry Correia's fisking of both articles, so you get the article and the comedy relief to go with it. Seriously, Larry even fisks the byline. The BYLINE.

Short version: the votes from the Hugos are in, and the Angry Pussies?  Well, They Are Just NOT Happy!

My thoughts?  Well, read below as we return to the Top Secret Safe Zone that is the headquarters of the "Friends of Sweetness and Light,".

For the record, a bit of legal CYA. For those of you who are named in this sketch: THIS IS A PARODY.  If you come to my blog, then whine, moan and complain that "Oh, I didn't do this or that" or some other damn thing, I'm not reporting the news, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU.  If you comment that you're offended, I will merely make fun of you even MORE, because you not only lack a sense of humor, you can't even tell when something's supposed to be a joke.

As for File 770, I have nothing against the owner, a Mike Glyer, who has made a few snotty comments at me.  Big deal. However, his comments section is run by the psycho brigade, hence my jokes.

And now, we commence, THE SPAYING.

Top Secret Safe Zone

[In the headquarters of the "Friends of Sweetness and Light," George RR "Angel of Death" Martin is fresh from his ivory tower and settles into a chair carved from the bones of all the characters he's ever murdered.  He glares around the table] I have no intention of having anything go wrong this time.  If I lose control of the meeting again, I'm going to show you what I do to characters who don't cooperate in my books.

[Everyone around the table is very, very quiet]

[GRRM smiles]  Okay. Good. I'm understood.  Now, the Hugo votes are going to come in, and -- aside from the helpful suggestion by Arthur that we call in a bomb threat, we are not going to do that -- we need to come up with a response. A calm, reasonable response, that doesn't involve minions calling the other side Nazis, or psychotic stalkers from Massachusetts.

[Patrick "Hearst" Nielson Hayden] I object. There was no evidence connecting us to Irene Gallo's remarks or Andrew Marston stalking that Shadowdancer girl --

[GRRM glares. In the dark, they hear the raspy sound of a sword slowly being unsheathed  PNH falls silent]  Marston is allowed to run rampant on File 770 --

[John "Noah Ward" Scalzi continues to stroke his white cat, looking at GRRM through his black knight helmet] No one's seen him for days.

[GRRM turns the glare on Scalzi.  Scalzi ignores it like it was just a scratch. GRRM turns back to PNH] As I was saying, in addition, your minion Igor backed Gallo against Tom Doherty; Doherty just tried for some civility while your minions were screaming censorship. Shut up, sit down, and stop interrupting me.  As I said, we're going to be civil about this, no matter what the outcome is --

[Teresa "Long Knives" Hayden leans back in her chair] I already know the outcome.

[GRRM stares, slackjawed] You what? How? The votes just came in.  And we're not supposed to know.

[TNH smiles] I knew when the Puppies got all the nominations, what makes you so surprised that I know about the winners?

[GRRM] I don't want to know, that would make me a party to --

[Scalzi leans forward like an eager schoolboy being offered his first encounter] I do, tell me.

[TNH slips out a piece of paper and slides it over.  Scalzi's smile falls.] I don't see a single "No award" winning.

[GRRM, through gritted teeth, says]  Scalzi, put that away.

[Scalzi] Oh, grow a pair, George.

[GRRM] Do I look like one of the Wu family?

[PNH] Brianna or Frank?

[GRRM glares] Brianna had hers cut off, and keeps Frank's in a lockbox, so either one will work.

[Scalzi] Just because Brianna is trans and claims half of Frank's Hugo award doesn't mean --

[GRRM] Keep this up, and your balls will join them. Now we will not cheat and look at who wins. Let's just say that any Puppy victory will be a slight setback, and --

[N.K. Jemisin, Angel (of color) of the Morning] NO! Any win will be a triumph of racist, sexist Nazi homophobes!

[GRRM holds up two fingers] One: isn't that redundant if they're Nazis? And two: enough with the insults. You're not helping the cause. 

[NKJ] Two fingers? Don't you know that's an insult in Britain? Are you trying to -- 

[GRRM] Seriously, even Cersei does a better job of pretending to be a lady than you. So does Bruce Jenner.

[NKJ pouts] How dare you! I've already been spayed! Now you're insisting on being gender-normative? You CIS-male dirtbag you.

[In the darkness, a sword swings and sings, an occasional slash catching the light. Someone is obviously taking some practice swings.  NKJ falls silent. GRRM clears his throat] As I was saying, we're going to be civil, damnit. Hell, if some of you idiots hadn't been ranting, raving, and railing nonstop for months on end, this wouldn't look like a total train wreck as we have our heads handed to us.

[Scalzi] We won't --

[GRRM] You've made it so that anything less than a massive Noah Ward win would mean defeat, you moron! You cried like a stuck pig, whining that they stole the damn voting process, and instead of trying to back it up and saying "they cheated, game called due to interference," you tried to hide behind the skirts of the voters, telling them to No Award everything puppy. You slandered and libeled the puppies, and didn't have the balls to back it up. Did you and Jemisin get a bargain deal on being neutered?

[NKJ] No, I had mine done recently. He's bene like this for years.

[GRRM nods sagely] True. This presumes that Scalzi ever had any balls to start with.

[TNH] I know how to respond. We have friends over at the Guardian. They'll just do one of their weekly articles.

[GRRM groans] I said civil, not those losers again.

[TNH] They're British, so they're always civil. We'll run it past Adam Roberts.

[GRRM blinks] Who?

[TNH] Exactly. Now, does Torgersen have two E's or two O's?

[David "Cryptkeeper" Gerrold, off in the corner, drooling and staring blankly, suddenly screams]   VVOOOOOXXXXX  DDDAAAYYYY

[TNH nods, as though taking notes] Right David. Mustn't forget Vox Day.  And the outlandish John C. Wright!

[GRRM cocks his head] How is Wright outlandish? Have you ever heard him? The man doesn't get much more civilized.

[NKJ scoffs] He's white.

[GRRM] So am I. And?

[Scalzi sneers] He's Catholic.

[GRRM] So?

[Arthur "Ladyboy" Chu flings his feather boa up into the air in frustration] Wright actually believes all of that religious claptrap, and hasn't even apologized for it. Not once!

[GRRM] Do you people even listen to yourselves, or does noise just randomly pop out without needing to go through your brains?

[Scalzi]  Make sure the article reminds everyone that the Puppies are angry white men --

[GRRM sighs] Obviously not. Didn't we have this discussion?  Sarah Hoyt? Cedar Sanderson? Kate Paulk? Larry is Portuguese? Brad's wife is black?

[TNH]  -- whose real issue is that society is too feminist, too multicultural, and will listen to trans and gay people. Right?

[GRRM] Not only do you not listen to yourselves. You don't listen to me, either.

[AC] And the Puppies are pissed that they're losing

[GRRM shakes his head] Now that's just delusional.


[TNH nods] And all their nominees are crap.

[GRRM goggles] Jim Butcher's proceeds from his last book could buy and sell you all three times! And that's inflating the retail price on every last one of you!

[Scalzi cackles]  By the time we're done, the Guardian will have shifted the goalposts so far, we'll win no matter what the outcome!

[GRRM glares, rises to his full height]  I told you I will not let this spiral out of control again.  And now, I have only one thing to say to you all.

[Everyone ignores him as they continue to take notes on what the article should say]

[GRRM whispers] The Lannisters say hello.

[Every last one stops talking and looks up in terror. White Walkers emerge from the darkness. Screaming ensues.]

[Insert images from any Game of Thrones wedding here]

The End is Nigh
And not just for the Angry Pussies. The Hugos are almost here.

I'm told I may have mixed my Game of Thrones metaphors too much here.  As I'm not into snuff films, I don't actually watch the show. But, I know that their weddings end badly, "the Lannisters Say Hello" was a portent of doom (or signature), and apparently, walkers are zombies with an attitude problem.  So if you are a fan of "Angel of Death" Martin, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.


I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACKin Paperback and Kindle.


  1. The sad thing is, though this is parody, this is a pretty good metaphor.

    Hahaha, the Lannisters say hello XD

    1. Yes. I wanted to get in a line about "always paying debts" and this really IS everything that's coming to them, but I didn't think I could squeeze that one in.

      Ah, poor parody GRRM, never gets any respect until the screaming starts. Heh.

  2. Is that "The Rains of Castamere" I hear playing in the background?

  3. Excellent as usual. GRRM even kills off people/characters he likes. These wankers had no chance.


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