Wednesday, January 6, 2016

CSI: Fascist, a mid-season review

Yes, technically, this is a review of CSI: Cyber, but no, CSI Fascist works.

This show sucks. Yes, that's the word. Sucks. The writing? Juvenile. The acting?  The acting is bad. How bad? Lucy Lawless as Xena was Shakespeare compared to the acting gig of Patricia Arquette on this show.

The plotlines of late have amounted to the Left-Wing propaganda narrative of the week.  From banks are evil to cops are racist, to the federal government will come in on a shining white horse every time and they are always right and they can stampede whatever rights get in their way. Because it is, after all, for your own good.

Even the one good actor that they imported, Ted Danson, cannot save this drek.  Danson is probably even embarrassed to be on this show, given how little he's actually in it. Comparatively, he has the same amount of screen time as Peter MacNicole did in the first season, and MacNicole was the best thing on this show, despite being on for only minutes an episode.  And, in all honesty, MacNicole  should have had at least one line discussing Lord of the Rings, in particular, the actor playing Aragorn, if only so he could have used the line, "He is Viggo!"

But no one probably even remembers Ghostbusters II on this set.

If you are at all aware of this show, Patricia Arquette plays FBI Agent Avery "I'm always right" Ryan, who has no personality beyond that of a dishrag. But she's constantly chewing out subordinates for being human and not a lifeless automaton like her. She bitched out her head doorkicker for hitting a pederast one too many times, grounding him in their DC offices, and whining some more when he leaves the building to do his job.

And of course, the might and awe of the FBI is never wrong. Private companies? Run by morons, and they can't hire anyone with a tenth of the competence of the Feds. No individuals can compare to the power of the FBI ... except for deranged loners with magical computer powers.

This series was encapsulated in one moment of a recent episode.  One of their former criminals, a woman serving time in the Cyber division, is up for early release. Avery's statement is designed to keep this woman under her thumb and in the FBI, against her will, because God forbid this woman go out and have a life with her own free will, because who knows what she'll do if she were allowed to be a person.

Avery later confesses to Ted Danson's character that IF AVERY HAD TOLD THE TRUTH, her pet criminal would be free right now.

Yes, you read that right -- Patricia Arquette's character lied in order to keep an employee under her thumb against her will.

I might -- I say might -- tune in next week in order to see if her character is assassinated.

Also, now that I have watched a few episodes with someone whose specialty is in cyber security, almost every piece of information that they're spinning about technology happens to be on par with the "technology" being taught at Hogwarts to Harry Potter.


  1. Come on, Declan, don't mince words. Tell us what you really think. Not that it really matters; I won't be watching it anyway. I can't stand any of the CSI shows, and even if I liked any of them, I don't have a working TV, so, meh.

  2. I am a total novice in terms of cyber anything, but I have a basic knowledge of how computers work, and can understand at least some of what Patrick Gray is talking about when he describes various cracking techniques. It is as if they write down Gray's headlines, then use MAD LIBS to make it more interesting. Harry Potter at least sounds credible as fake Latin. If they have technical consultants in the IT field, I feel very sorry for them. They may be already dead or tied up in a basement somewhere.

  3. Well-said, sir... and drek sounds like almost an understatement.

  4. This show was almost canceled last season, too. The fact that it was saved either means someone likes the narrative or the CSI name, because almost no one likes it.

  5. "Left-Wing propaganda"
    "the federal government will come in on a shining white horse every time and they are always right and they can stampede whatever rights get in their way"
    Lol, you don't know shit about politics. Oh well, what can you expect from a gringo.


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