Thursday, May 12, 2016

Assassin's Creed, the movie

Oh dear God, why did they have to do this one?

Seriously, Assassin's Creed? Of all the video games of the last ten years, this is what Hollywood wanted to do?

Yeah, look at this.

The tagline shoulder be "We make Dan Brown look like serious history."

Yeah, Assassin's Creed, the movie - because there's no way they can screw up the plot even worse than the original game was. I hope. Unless they can make it even more insane and offensive.

Oh, and gee, Michael Fassbender, you are once again playing a robot devoid of all personality, in a film with an incomprehensible plot.  Maybe this will be the prequel to Prometheus. After all, it as aliens in this, too.

Spoilers? How can you spoil something that's already rotten?

Oh dear God. Assassin's Creed, apparently, wasn't content with  screwing up a history of the Crusades or Renaissance Italy. But now, we have to screw up the Spanish Inquisition. Who expected that?

(Though for the love of God, who thought that was a good choice of music at the 58 seconds mark?)

If you are not familiar with Assassin's Creed, the short version is that this is the Dan Brown of video games. As you can tell, the original video game had three things going for it -- run, jump, stab. There's parkour running, because someone played waaayy too much Prince of Persia. And we had the exact same thing happen eight times. No, really. Eight levels of exactly the same thing.

You know there had to be a problem with any game that opens with a disclaimer of “people of every religion worked on this game, honest. Don’t be offended.” That’s the first warning sign.

In the game, to make them seem fair and balanced, the targets are people on both sides of the crusades.

In the film, obviously, it's the evil Inquisition and the good and noble assassins, and can you believe I even had to write that sentence?

The frametale, as you've seen in the trailer, is that we're going to take a distant relation of a classical assassin, plug them into a MacGuffin machine that taps into his “genetic memories,” which is what leads us to the classical assassin. In the first video game, it’s a frame tale that goes nowhere (since the end of the first game was held off so it could be the opening of the second).

Now, obviously, a difference here is that a big facet of the game was that we had to believe that, in the frametale, our lead was held captive by an evil corporation run by the Templars. Yes, those Templars. Very Dan Brown Templars. They  have been fighting the assassins since King Richard ran the crusades.

In the games, when our mad scientist is told that history didn't happen this way, the mad scientist says “You believe something just because it’s written in a book? Anyone can write something in a book. Someone once said the world was made in seven days. It’s a best seller, I hear.”

That was the point I had to quit for that session.

There is a joke that says that in grammar school, we learn a little bit about everything. In high school, we learn that things are more complicated than that. In college, everything we know is wrrrrroooonnngggg. On the History Channel…. aliens. In the case of Assassin’s Creed, they took this joke a little too seriously…

In the second game, they made Leonardo Da Vinci a Q knockoff (and if you read the background files they had, he's now gay ... who knew?). And of course, not only were the Borgias he bad guys, the final boss fight was a fist fight with Pope Alexander VI in St. Peter’s.

And if you think that’s blasphemous, the punchline is even worse. Apparently, a side mission with a collection of puzzles includes “The Truth.” And “the truth” is out there. Very out there. So out there, Adam and Even did not interact with God, but space aliens. Yup, they’re going for the History Channel view.

Can you understand why I don't care what happens with this movie? Or care how they change this movie? I can't imagine how they're going to change it in any way, shape or form that could convince me to try it.

Fail, Hollywood. Just fail.

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